Lindsay’s Eating Disorder Story: Grief Can Coexist with Joy
A Season of Pain and Bondage
After a season of life that was ravaged by pain, loss, and grief, I unexpectedly found myself in bondage to an eating disorder. I remember promising that I would never lose control of my body, even though I had lost control of so many other parts of my life. At the time, I had no idea that the broken little girl still living inside me was making a huge decision for my aching adult heart.
As secrets thrive in darkness, so do eating disorders, and mine was in full swing. I had developed stellar hiding skills and gained a near-professional level of knowledge on the topic, but I was miserable. The thought of keeping this up forever was exhausting as guilt and shame ruled many of my days.
I Knew I Needed Help
It did not take long before I realized I was in over my head. I tried everything I knew to fix myself, but I couldn't. I knew I needed help, but there was no way I could tell anyone. I was too old for an eating disorder and looked happy and healthy. No one saw the countless times I was curled up on the floor pleading for God to heal me or the nights I cried myself to sleep begging God to take my life because I didn’t want to go on like this anymore. I hated the person I had become. I valued honesty and authenticity in my relationships with others and felt like I was living a lie. I was caught in an addiction that I could not bring under control. I thought no one would want anything to do with me if they knew what was happening underneath the surface, so I began pulling away from everyone and everything I knew. If I couldn’t be honest, I wanted to be alone. I eventually reached out for help, but the road has been long and bumpy.
A False Sense of Control & Lies Become Truth
Addiction and bondage to anything only provide a false sense of control that keeps a person on a hamster wheel of misery…but sometimes, it still feels safer than the alternative. Lies become truth, and the mind, heart, and body pay the price. You may not struggle with an addiction, but we all hold on to something we must let go of. It’s the human condition and something we must be aware of. Letting go of control is hard, but freedom is only found in surrender. When I think of how I have held onto something that needed to be released, I am reminded of toddlers!
Have you ever tried to retrieve something from a clenched toddler fist? I’m fairly certain I could take on a toddler, but somehow that wet, chubby little hand has an otherworldly strength when it’s gripping onto what it refuses to hand over. I’ve tried pulling fingers back one at a time, distracting with a more appealing object…nothing works. When my rebel toddlers did this, I eventually had to press on their wrists so hard it caused them pain, and they would then (by force) relinquish their grip. I didn’t want to see them hurt, but in order to save them from something worse (choking), it was the only option. I loved my children too much to give them their desires, and I knew the potential dangers on the other side of their stubbornness. As a parent, I am willing to watch my kids experience temporary pain to protect them from much worse consequences. As their mother, I know what’s best for them. My discipline comes from a place of love, although they do not see it at the moment.
Surrendering to God
How much more has God done this with me? He has asked for surrender, and I’ve offered other things as a sort of peace offering when I knew perfectly well, He would stop at nothing to get the specific part of my heart He was asking for. I have felt the rebellion build inside of me. I have held on to this little thing with my toddler-like death grip, and God had to press me until it hurt. His painful discipline had to occur to save me from what was in my hand, something He knew would lead to my destruction. Just as I knew what was best for my toddler, God knows what is best for His children. He is asking for all of us, not just the parts that feel safe. He is saying, I am God; you are not. Trust me.
What Does Freedom Look Like?
One of the hard truths I've had to learn (and am currently learning) is that "freedom" sometimes looks different than what we might typically think of or expect...even if it's just for a season. I thought that once I surrendered control, this beautiful freedom and peace with food would occur, and I could become an intuitive eater, as we often talk about in the recovery world....and that is not my story; I don't know if or when it will be and that is something I've had to grieve. My surrender was met with disappointment in many ways, but it was also the very thing that pushed me to God and to His Word. I still can’t do this alone, and God never intended for me to walk this road in isolation. He has given me the strength to be honest, to ask for help when I need it, and to come to Him to fill the empty places in my heart. I’ve had to shift my goals and remember that I get the privilege of trusting in a good and faithful God and the opportunity to praise Him in a new normal, even if it's not what I wanted or expected. My hope is found in Him alone, not in my full healing that may or may not come. This is the hard side of walking in faith and obedience… it's not always pretty, but grief can still coexist with joy. His ways are always better than our own.
Pressing Forward
I have wanted to give up more times than I can count, but God’s great love kept pulling me in, never letting me go. God’s presence has never depended on my success or failure with food, and He didn’t change who He was or what He thought about me based on my performance. His love for you will never change, either. Consider what needs to be surrendered and where your grip needs to loosen. If you ask God to help you, He will meet you there every time.
Next Steps
If you are struggling with disordered eating and don’t know where to begin, you are welcome to contact me (lindsay@tworoadswellnessclinic.com) for some resources. If you are struggling in your recovery and need some prayer, I would love to pray for you too!
Two Roads Wellness Clinic has a team of caring and qualified professionals that can help you navigate your healing journey. Simply reach out through our online form or call any of our four locations.
About Two Roads Wellness Clinic
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